I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
