my mouth tastes like poor choices
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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