I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
