What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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