I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
