The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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