Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
zippers are such a cool invention
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
