he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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