I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
