Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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