doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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