I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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