Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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