I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
