how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
