My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
