I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
