Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
