i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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