I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
