he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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