You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
