Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
