Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
