Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
