she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You can't motorboat a personality
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
