The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
