life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
NoShamevember. You game?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
