sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
