It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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