How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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