Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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