i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The feeling are messing with the penis
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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