You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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