Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
