Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
