break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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