a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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