someone threw a dead crab at me
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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