I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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