They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
