This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
