I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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