i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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