Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
