Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
