peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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