Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
