chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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