You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
